vials

i want to shelve my emotional memories into vials
label them carefully and line them up chronologically
from the most painful to the least guilty
occasionally opening them to sniff up wistful images

i want to admire them from afar and recount each of them
carefully selecting and researching each vial for imperfections and whatifs
feeling secure with its presence and anxiety of its fragility
mindful of its danger if cracked and spilled

i want to use it in heartful experiments
mixing
matching
concocting
doubting
excluding
developing
control groups
to match controlled feelings

i want to scribble notes
learn from its colorful reactions
conduct explosions after explosions
to perfect whole heartbreaks

i want to use each vial for strength
each whiff, courage
each cut, wisdom
until i am able to create a love so whole
fear can't penetrate its surface.