heartpumps

i want to offer a heart that can pump tears through your brown eyes
wash over deserts and dissolve salt in your wounds
leave the insides of your desolation sparkling clean
and offer trails of how to follow its path

i want arms so wide that it stretches to the circumference of the horizon
so i can hold you as you clutch your heart attacks
reflect sunrise onto your face and whisper to you:
don't be afraid to fall back on the stars and still land on the moon

i want to cram miles into my trunk and chuck it down the river
watch it absorb into the flow and sink to the earth
and maybe you will suddenly appear
bright eyed and in full patterned cardigan
ready to find cures to heart attacks
battle desolation with our lips
and search for comfort within these arms.

impressions

bold. you called me loud.
you called me strong. fierce.
out. you thought me unstoppable.

i sit in front of table top toppings
of adjectives and adverbs
picking some now and some later
to cover my nouns

i embody moving images
reflecting my need for strength
deflecting my desires for inclusion

you see me tough. hard.
smiles. you hear.
you feel my high energy. obnoxious.

i sit among other broken hearts
and depleted spirits
wearing the same trauma on my face
singing laughter to cover my cracks.

i exist in 3D and in full technicolor
i am now in hi fi
listen in HD
and you will hear moving pictures
of my inconsolable beating heart

Vin Baca

Oye loca! Vin baca...
Won't you come and keep me toasty
On this cool San Francisco night
Hold me close like your wool coat
Nuzzle my neck and pretend it's your scarf

Leave indentations on my pillow
Cocoon yourself in my blankets
But don't forget to reveal yourself with me
When morning breaks

Give me full early kisses
Hot breakfast and warm coffee
Hugs around the waist
And let's feel freedom
to hide in bed's solice
when the day gets too bright.

home coming

I wrote this after reading the details of the gang rape of a 15 year old girl by up to 20 boys and men after her homecoming dance. I still left speechless and at loss for its brutality.

Article: http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_13657301

Naw man, just hand her some of that cheap brandy
Yeah, fo sho, it's gonna do her good
Here baby, take a swig.
She's out dawg! Take her shit off!

Sounds of a fallen innocence
drowned out by rowdy bottles
and even rowdier belt buckles
Smacking lips and violent cheers
unzipped pants into torn skin

Get IN her man! Get it! Fuck that bitch!
It's my turn dawg!
This is fucking insane! You like that, you fucking whore?
Look at her! She loves it. That puta.

Twenty men crowded to see the sideshow
Jarring contrast between vicious manhood and unconscious girlhood
Dozens of eyes watching,
staring at violations that they cannot comprehend

These are men who wear XXL white tees and jeans that sag way too much
Men who sleep during history class and talk bravado during lunch
Men who flirt with mini skirts and stumble on their timbalands
Men who see their dreams punched in the face and vomited over
Men who get arrested as boys who need to become men to survive
Men who lost their boyhood and asked why?
Men who are boys that have just reached puberty

Boys who think they can become men by piercing their young manhood into young girls

Yo dawg! What's her name?
Who the fuck cares asshole? You want this pussy or what?
Give me some more of that juice!
Yeaaaah son! Fuck her harder!

Torn pearls and her pretty turquoise dress
Her 15 years waiting on the curb for dad
Followed trust into the darkness with tables and bottles
and XXL white tees
Drank the trust and let it melt away her consciousness

She felt grabbing, shoving, and a sharp sudden pain over her nose
The pain washes over her face and drips down her pretty turquoise dress
She follows blackness until she feels no more

Fuck, we gotta get out of here dawg! It ain't safe no more!
We're not done with her yet! You can leave if you want, you fag.
She has some tight ass pussy!
I think she's a virgin, blood.

Over one hundred and twenty minutes of ripped skin and pouring pain
Washed over innocence and destroyed boyhood
Beyond the comprehension of unaware grown ups and numb bystanders
Rumors swirling that night brought blue uniforms that scared boy scavengers
scattering into the streets and deep into their conscience

Compassion was raped today
Humanity draining the last remaining drops down numb faces
and erect boyhoods
Instead, brutality became whole and joined with fear
to create unstoppable massacre of the human capacity to love.

sleeping insecurities

Late night conversations
breeds inconsolable insomnia
lead eyes drag me deep into false dreams
awaking to confusion and half words

Pride keeps the conversation at bay
sinking as it struggles to find anchor
Your words swirl in my subconcious

Penetrating my dreams
making them into sub-fantasies
masking among real ones
i want to yell poser!

but i shuffle awake
smile and ask clarifying questions
to hide my sleeping insecurities.

Can we talk about how amazing this person is???

vials

i want to shelve my emotional memories into vials
label them carefully and line them up chronologically
from the most painful to the least guilty
occasionally opening them to sniff up wistful images

i want to admire them from afar and recount each of them
carefully selecting and researching each vial for imperfections and whatifs
feeling secure with its presence and anxiety of its fragility
mindful of its danger if cracked and spilled

i want to use it in heartful experiments
mixing
matching
concocting
doubting
excluding
developing
control groups
to match controlled feelings

i want to scribble notes
learn from its colorful reactions
conduct explosions after explosions
to perfect whole heartbreaks

i want to use each vial for strength
each whiff, courage
each cut, wisdom
until i am able to create a love so whole
fear can't penetrate its surface.

stars

you see me
you look through my chest
and see scattering stars like dust
you remind me of andromeda
whisking through the universe
in your green wrap
piercing galaxies with your diamond eyes
you walk through them
feet plush with planets
becomes cracked & calloused
bleeding oceans onto comets
crashing into suns that become supernovas
you will undo me
bending my heart into meteorites
that will light skies across worlds
so they will remember your impact.