[ and what ]

Being a feminist, womanist, activist, consciousness-raising, and queer womyn of color, I have admired, loved, and respected many womyn in my life, especially my mother and my sister. But, I can't help thinking about how my life has been significantly impacted by great men.

I know it's dichotomous to look at it (from a feminist standpoint) of men vs. women, but I don't think enough feminists (that are womyn) really thought about the impact that GOOD men have made in their lives (I'm sure we all have thought about the fucked up things men have done in our lives though). And as I stand and watch two of the most beautiful queer men of color sleep in my living room, so innocently and so completely beautiful, I could not help think that my life has been heavily influenced by great men such as these. Here were two of my bestest friends, who have been there for me for the worst and for the best, that have fabulous fashion tips and even more insightful life tips. And I'm not one of those other "fag hags" (well first because I'm queer) and second, because I appreciate them for them. Their personalities are so bright and divine that sometimes I feel that this life and this world is too ugly for their beautiful spirits. I wanted to cry gazing at their peaceful faces as they enter another world within themselves. I look at them and think of their struggles as men and men of color and then as queer men of color, growing up trying to assert this patriarchial masculinity that never fitted them well. These two has taught me the meaning of what it means to be beautiful, inside and out. They have shown me the unbelievable ability of compassion and the world that I use to wish to live in.

Men such as these, including my ex-boyfriend, who I still believe carry one of the most kindest and caring souls I have ever met. He really taught me patience, humility, and passion. I grew a lot from being with him.

Then there's my dad, who will always be the man I measure every other man in my life too. He is the towering handy-man with strong hands and an even stronger heart. He taught me the meaning of practicality, of how much money really means (not that much versus happiness), that no matter what happens, I am still his daughter and that he loves me. He taught me what being thoughtful is, he taught me to have a sense of humor and laugh more especially when you are hurting. I love my father for that. I love and respect him for being a good dad and a good man. There are never enough of those around these days. I love him for his strength as a man, but not just your stereotypical "man's man" but for the fact that he loves his family more than anything in the world. For the fact that he wanted a son and all he got was me, his first daughter, and still loved me as such, despite his upbringing in a fucked up patriarchy.

I just feel that I have been so completely blessed to have such worthwhile men in my life, that have made me into a stronger womyn without ever compromising my agency as a womyn. And I don't know if it's wrong or un-PC, but I feel that to a certain extent, we can celebrate our boys and our men without celebrating their patriarchy. That is, because if we don't, the immense pressure of being a man in this "testosterone-driven" society, will break them inside and be harder and even impossible to repair and heal later on.

To all you brave and beautiful men out there, I appreciate you and your kind souls and I do love all of you for it.

What is the significance of creating archives and bibliography in the struggle of women struggle feminism? What can we do as a class to participate in that struggle?

The importance of archiving and creating works and art about women and our struggle for a more feminist society is only up to us. The dominant patriarchy has no self-investment nor desire to help chronicle our struggles and our victories. Insitututionalizing our herstory is the only way future generations of resistance fighters will be able to learn and see that they were and are never alone in this struggle for justice. The importance of chronicling our conferences, events, papers, 'zines, meetings, organizations, rallys, protests, etc etc will prevent the "re-invention of the wheel" syndrome that affects our organizations and education, in which we spend so much time re-creating a product or campaign that our struggle has turned into creating an instrument instead of a movement.

Our class is a demonstration of an effective and creative approach to documenting not only our stories (which are often never told or heard, even to ourselves) but giving voices to those that are not priviledged to be in a higher education institution with resources and access to create multimedia art that can be viewed by the masses. The class website, our work, and publishing and presenting it truly adds to the cypher of the black feminist struggle.

What strategy should media activism take in both creating space for self expression and critique of women of color and in critiquing racism, sexism, etc in media theory?

In this politically and culturally conservative time in the US, what is at stake in self expression and self representation for women of color in art and media?

There is so much at stake, thinking about it, creates a knot of fear and urgency in my gut. This conservative political and cultural climate is a a result of retaliation and decades of rebuilding the Right, after the liberation movements of our people was able to insitutionalize the attitude and laws that we deserve as respect for people that have been oppressed, repressed, and suppressed for centuries.

Our continual demonstration of our existence and our voices need to be loud and proud to make sure that the Right and the priviledged know that our state of poverty, depravation, unhappiness, and violations are not our fault, but a structural problem that they are part of and that they also have the power to change.

What alliances should happen with white women? What needs to occur for it to be in a productive way?

Alliances with white women should be a self-initiated one. White women cannot ask what they can do to be more friendly or of an ally to womyn of color. Due to their white priviledge and class priviledge, they have keys and their job is to realize that and make copies of those keys, so we, as womyn of color can have the same access they do.

He Got Game, She Got Defense

Over the weekend, I found a copy of Silicon Valley DeBug lying around my sister's room (it's a 'zine that's written for and by young folks in San Jose). There was an article called He Got Game, She Got Defense about the author's experiences with men and the tactics they use to hit on her and her friends. She got to the point in which she says "I try to do my rejections clean, with male egos intact", and that sparked my interest and I thought she was going to go on and lay it out and say FUCK THAT, I'm sick of male egos!

But she never made that leap or any type of analysis with that, other than telling the funny stories from the "game". After discussing and processing this idea with Mary, I want to explore this for my final video project. Expanding on Ghose's idea of the "game" and "conquest" to how men and women play the game in heterosexual and queer relationships because women play the game just as well too, but in different ways (I certainly played it). The game is fun, but are we all just playing the game because males were the ones that took the lead in it (overtly that is), and thus we all played the game too because it's all part of the "norm" now? Is the "game" just another "mating ritual", a mating game that's played by all other animals in the kingdom? A game that monkeys play just to mate?

I want to explore this with males, females, in heterosexual and queer relationships. So I just need to develop questions and a direction for my video, since it's only really 10-12 minutes.

Memoirs of an Asian American Geisha

So for my WMST 185MY class, our second self-portrait is suppose to be a 3-5 minute video. I was toying around the idea of a "Memoirs of an Asian American Geisha" for a little while, ever since the real movie came out. Talking to Mary, I haven't really developed the idea in my head yet... just the name sounds pretty funny.

Some things I could do is a portrait of myself and what it means to be an Asian American Geisha, because that is still what we are subjected too, even though we, as Asian American womyn have either grown up in the U.S. or are heavily "Americanized". That's something I could explore in using this term as "geisha". I'm still trying to figure out what this really means for myself and Asian American womyn.

Should I explore the contemporary portrayals of ASAM females today? And how I connect it back to my life, in which I can use to be self-empowering or should I do it as a historical doc, with various images throughout the decades?

I think I really just need to define and articulate my Asian American womyn identity a lot better than I ever had. I guess I don't know what the right questions to ask.. yet. Or conceptually what I really want.

BLEEHH. campaign ends in 2.5 days. YAYAYAY. ::dies::

WM ST 185MY

YAY for this class!!

HI MARY!!!