Renewal

Been a long-ass minute since I wrote here... first started for my own personal amusement then used for my Black Feminist Multimedia class for assignments and reflections. This has laid dormant for 3-4 years now...

It's ironic that some of my longest relationships I've ever had in my life are with blogs and online journals. Maybe it's really in my heart that I am in love with writing, processing, and sharing all of that. Ultimate forms of narcissism and release.

Yesterday was chein ying or in month of March for Chinese folks to pay respects to all our deceased family and friends. I went to my grandfather's grave... for the first time in recent memory. He died one year after I was born so I never knew him outside of stories and recalled memories. He was a husband and father. But as I was told a mean and ferocious one. One that beated my grandmother, his kids, and refused to let his daughters go to school. It was a short and un-memorable visit to his grave. One that his children did out of tradition and obligation. But the feelings that came out of it for me was how I am much more comfortable with my family than I was ever before. Now that I am grown and able to sustain myself and my own self-esteem, they're critiques and disapproval no longer haunts and tortures me the way they use too.

I've grown to understand to appreciate and love them while in stages of forgiveness for the childhood trauma. Family is family is family. I am learning to accept them for who they are and not for who I want them to be. Acceptance and letting go is the path of inner peace.

My roommate pointed out that I am quick to break plans with family over the slightest reason while go above and beyond to follow-through on plans with friends. Have to wonder what the thought process is with that one. I think it has something to do with my fear of being disappointed which was really prevalent when I was younger. So I made due and tried to create my own sense of family with people that I connected with and worked hard at maintaining that connection. This mentality and my own wall that I've built over the years to protect myself against the people that have mattered the most to me have blinded me to what has really been happening and what is happening now across that beautifully built and seemingly unbreakable wall.

Family love, self-love, and self-discovery is a constant process. A (r) evolutionary process. Like I been saying before, the only thing worth living for is change.

A repost from a entry that I wrote more that two years ago that still reigns true today:

"Persistent and unconquerable change. The Perpetual. The Constant. The only thing worth living for. Yes. Not love, not peace, not hate, not anger, not war, not money, not even paradise on Earth. But change. The evolution of our minds molded by our experiences. The mutation of our emotions based on repeated chemical imbalances stemming from broken hearts to broken spirits.

I am a nomad. I am the runner. I am in motion. I try to create for myself but in the end it is not in my constellation for me to settle. No matter how much I want it I know I will never be satisfied. I am in constant, consistent, perpetual, perplexing, rambling, rumbling, wondering, wandering state. I shouldn't be afraid of it anymore. I shouldn't be afraid of myself. With myself. In the end, that's who's really left. Me. I am the one looking in the mirror. I am the one dealing with the fickleness of my heart. I am the one stomping forward. I am the one that sleeps with me. I alone hold the power to change my reality. And in turn weave my own fabric of space and set my own dimensions."